How to be a Safe Space

It’s easy to assume that you’re a safe space. You may think that you’re a safe because you don’t intentionally speak or act in ways to harm others - the operative word being “intentionally”. However, you may be causing harm without intending to do so.

Your individual intention is based upon how you’re raised; what you’ve learned [so far]; and, your personal beliefs and morals. The combination of these three - the trifecta - is more unique and nuanced than you are as an individual. This is exactly why it’s possible and very easy to unintentionally do and say things that may make others feel like you’re not safe. If you’re accepting of the possibility that you’re not as safe as you believe, then you’re probably open to making the necessary personal changes that can help [both you and] others start to feel safe.

The good news is that being a safe person is easier than one may think. It doesn’t require a lot of physical effort or time, but it does require courage and a desire to be better. Here are 4 actions that can help you be as a safer person:

Respect Boundaries

This seems easy but can be difficult to do because of the above mentioned trifecta. Someone’s boundary may be offensive to you, because of how you were raised, or trigger an unhealed trauma.

For example: Some people don’t like to be hugged or receive a pat on the back without first being asked while others are okay with these spontaneous forms of connection.

It doesn’t necessarily matter how you personally feel about the issue. What matters is what’s communicated to you and how you choose to engage with the person going forward. If you find yourself struggling with the boundary, ask yourself “Why?” If the answer is rooted in something that isn’t critical or harmful, then it may be worth respecting the boundary.

It’s important to understand that someone’s boundary isn’t necessarily an indictment of who you are as a person. It is a declaration of that person’s need to feel safe in their own existence. So, they don’t really owe you an explanation as to why the boundary is in place. Healthy relationships have a foundation rooted in mutual respect and safety. And, if you choose to not respect a person’s communicated boundary in it’s entirety, then you should be willing to accept that fact that the person may not engage with you in the future.

Actively Listen

You think you do this but studies show that many people don’t actively listen while others are speaking. Active listening requires more than just being physically present in the shared space as the communicator. It requires you to be fully focussed on the communicator and their message, not multi-tasking or being distracted by difficult feelings.

For example: Your neighbor starts talking about their sadness over their missing cat and you’re spinning because your ex has started dating someone new.

The ability to actively listen is in part impacted by how you’re feeling in that moment. If you don’t feel well, you’re attention goes to that feeling and the root cause of it. And, understandably so. Although it’s not intentional, not giving someone your full attention, when you’ve communicated that you will give them your attention, is rude.

We all understand that life happens, sometimes changing our efforts/plans. And, in these moments, it’s completely okay to not be able to hold space for someone else’s heavy or negative feelings. It’s best for everyone involved to communicate that you don’t have capacity for the topic. Note: It’s not okay for you to then start talking about your own heavy feelings unless the other person asks and shares that they have capacity. In communicating that you can’t actively listen, you’re practicing self care and demonstrating respect to the other person.

Don’t Gossip

Gossip is one of the most dangerous weapons that exists. It’s defined as the casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, with details not confirmed as being true. Sharing information (that either isn’t meant to be disclosed publicly or at all) about a person or people can cause irreparable damage. Some people are aware of the power of gossip while others aren’t aware and do it as a means to be a part of a group or fit in. No matter the reason, gossip can be destructive.

For example: A survivor discloses their victimization to you and you go tell the information to another survivor.

Often times, in this instance, people disclose this information to help other survivors feel less lonely. It may feel rewarding to help someone else feel less lonely. But, there is inherent harm that comes disclosing this type of information. The discloser doesn’t know what the other person is going to do with it. They may use it to only make themselves feel better and not disclose to anyone else. Or, this person may share the information with others. After a while, the information is known by wide audience of people and the initial survivor is now susceptible to bullying, embarrassment, or further harm.

Regardless of the intent, disclosing someone’s victimization without their expressed consent is a major violation. Although the information seems “juicy” and difficult to keep to yourself, that feeling doesn’t justify sharing the sexual assault or identity of the victimized person with your friends, partner/spouse, social media followers, or anyone. If you don’t have the self control to keep that information to yourself, let people know to not confide in you.

Remove Unsafe People from the Circle

“Birds of a feather flock together” is a very popular saying that holds a tremendous amount of weight in our society. The perception exists that we hold the same beliefs and behaviors of the people who we hang around, even if the truth is that we don’t. So, if the company you keep is perceived as unsafe, you will be perceived as unsafe. Maintaining a perception of safety means to actively demonstrate safe behaviors and be in community with safe people.

For example: Your childhood friend makes racist or SA jokes and you don’t shut it down or communicate how those jokes open the door to physical violence.

There are some things that you deem to be okay that someone else may find harmful. The joke teller may see this type of language as a means of connection and breaking down barriers while others see it as a divider…denigrative. And, you may be uncomfortable addressing the joke and creating a boundary to not say them. Someone witnessing this interaction won’t feel safe with you or the joke teller because they understand that these jokes provide a sort of approval for violence. We all have different tolerances regarding social content or commentary. And, others may not see jokes as a “free zone” where any- and everything can be said without consequence.

There are people who are black and white when it comes to safety. For these people, either you’re safe or you aren’t…either they’ll engage with you or they won’t. And, if you want healthy relationships with people, then your words and actions must demonstrate that you won’t cause harm or enable anyone else to cause harm. This means that harmful people can’t be in your orbit. Your silence dangerous words and actions is the same thing as your acceptance/promotion of it.

Successfully surviving sexual assault requires a willing survivor and a safe community. And the surety of safety goes far beyond the physical. Survivors also need mental, social and emotional safety from the people who are in our lives. Understanding and respecting your boundaries, let us know if you can’t keep it to yourself. This gives us the opportunity to not disclose to you. This keeps the relationship in tact.