Photo by Nicolas Postiglioni
Our world bows to the mean ones…the people who assert violence and excel at manipulation. Our world allows those of us who respect boundaries and play by the rules get victimized. Unfortunately, a global standard has been set that assigns power only to those who take it.
We’ve been brainwashed to believe that we must be nice to the powerful in order to survive and not be victimized by a sex crime. This translates into always giving people the attention, actions and time that they want, regardless of what we want. It’s smiling when some stranger gets in your face and says, “You should smile.” or “You’d be prettier if you’d smile.” It’s also giving a stranger your phone number when you don’t want to. It’s also having a conversation with someone that stops you (not letting you walk by) when you don’t want to speak to them. The connotative definition of “nice” is forcing us to suppress both our feelings and needs in order to exist in this world. It’s a full acknowledgement and normalization of violence to those of us who choose to (directly or indirectly) communicate a “no”.
Existing isn’t living. Survivors of sex crimes already know this to be a fact. Existing means not feeling safe in our own spaces. Existing means deferring decision-making to others, even when the decision is ours. Existing means being a second-class citizen in our own lives. Existing means not really living while we’re alive. Existing means indirectly giving away our own power. Existing means being resigned to the idea that sexual harassment, sexual assault and sexual abuse are all a “normal” part of life. We reject all of the above and firmly declare that existing has to stop. We have to take back our power and put an end to “nice”. It’s time to shift the focus from victimized persons to the perpetrators, the real problem. They believe that they are entitled to take what they want without consequence. Society affirms this belief; the legal system affirms this belief; and, those who go along with “nice” (the majority) (may unknowingly) affirm this belief. This leaves those of us who don’t affirm this belief (the minority) to be perceived as problematic, stuck up, and defiant. Some would even say that we need to be “taught a lesson”.
“Existing isn’t living. Survivors of sex crimes already know this to be a fact. ”
So, if we’re really going to put an end to “nice”, we’re going to have to start doing the work to end sexual violence. This means changing our behaviors and thought processes regarding how we engage people, especially entitled people. (Note: It’s important to consider our own personal safety since “nice” is a form of self preservation.) Here are some tips that may help you get started:
Have an educational moment. Some people don’t understand that what they’re doing and saying is wrong or offensive. Creating awareness may help the person change their ways. By naming their specific words or actions and sharing how they make you feel, you’re helping them realize - in real time - that they need to make changes.
Avoid people that require “nice” behavior. It feels unfair, but it may be necessary. There are some entitled people who aren’t willing to change and will remain a danger. So, the best thing to do is not be around them, especially alone.This may mean missing social events and time with friends and family who choose to welcome these dangerous people into their lives.
Move in like-minded circles. One way to fight against “nice” is to limit our engagement to only those people who share the belief that we must not victimize one another. People in these spaces, especially when in numbers, may be better equipped to help successfully address people who feel entitled to our time, space, attention and bodies. These groups can proactively maintain a safe space by not including or welcoming people who utilize threats, coercion or physical force to try and get what they want.
Publicly share your beliefs and expectations. We don’t have to wait until we encounter an entitled person in order to our share anti-“nice” stance. Social media platforms and casual conversations with friends and family are a great way to proactively take a stance against “nice” and share the societal dangers associated with the behavior. It puts the focus on the (would be) perpetrators and creates a call-to-action to demand social change.
Be willing to make sacrifices. A result of doing the work may mean having uncomfortable conversations, ending relationships, or missing out on events and opportunities. These things are undesirable but the alternative of having to be “nice” is less desirable. Losing out in the short-term can mean benefitting via social change in the long-term. Specifically, it can mean having healthier relationships, being safe (away from entitled people) and no longer having to consistently be on guard.
There is a ways to go before we see a real change that ends the need for “nice”. The change isn’t going to happen over night, but each of us can make incremental change every single day. No one is going to save us. So, it’s important that we do the necessary work to save ourselves. Share your tips and ideas in the comments below about work that can be done or you’re currently doing to put an end to the need for “nice”.