Safety #2: Why Children Won't Disclose SA

The initial thought, as a parent, is that children will disclose when they have been harmed. Unfortunately, this is not true. Children (not matter their age) will only disclose when they feel safe to do so.

Ensuring safety means that parents/primary caregivers help children understand what constitutes harm and cultivate a relationship an adult/child relationship that makes them feel safe disclosing that harm.

They don’t know what defines sexual assault (SA)

Successful education on sexual violence focuses on the violation, not on the mechanics of the crime. Helping children understand that sexual violence is about power, domination, humiliation and/or control that results in their victimization helps them to clearly understand that it’s wrong. It also helps children understand that they wouldn’t have done anything wrong if someone makes the decision to harm them via:

Molestation - touching of genitals even with clothes on

Rape - penetration of a body (mouth, rectum, vagina, stoma)

Exposure to sexual material - porn, pictures, video games, cartoons, comic books

Genital exposure - having child expose genitals or perpetrator exposes their own

Taking photos of genitals - perpetrator will take photos or asks child to take explicit photos of themselves or of the perpetrator; photos may be taken without the child’s knowledge

Sending photos of genitals - perpetrator sends photos of their own genitals or asks child to send photos

Sexual acts - this can include the child or be done in front of the child without ever having touched them

Grooming is subtle and happens to intended victims along with their friends and family. Predators are practiced in their behavior. So, children and even parents/primary caregivers may not even see the crime coming.

Fact: Children must be educated on what sexual violence is and the fact that they won’t be able to identify a predator.

They’re accustomed to being harmed

Physical pain is sometimes associated with sexual assault, especially if rape or physical abuse is involved. In these instances, children still may not disclose that they’ve been violated if they’re accustomed to being physically harmed. Events such as bullying or physical discipline can normalize pain for a child. If pain is normalized for a child, especially if they believe they deserve it as a form of punishment, they will accept the pain and remain silent.

Fact: No child should be accustomed to being harmed.

You didn’t teach them to disclose

Some children need specific direction on what to disclose to you as their parent/primary caregiver. It’s hard to identify which kids need to be told vs. those who know to do so.

Fact: All children must be taught to disclose sexual violence, no matter the perpetrator.

They don’t think anyone will believe them

If there isn’t a relationship of trust between the children and parent/primary caregiver, children may feel as though they’ll either be ignored or called a liar. They’ll stay quiet to avoid the pain, fear and/or humiliation of not having their words accepted. It’s imperative that children know for a full fact that they will be believed if they come forward with allegations no matter the identified perpetrator.

Fact: Children need to understand that their words matter and will be believed.

Fact: Parents/primary caregivers need to understand that children are groomed by perpetrators of sexual crimes.

It didn’t hurt them

Perpetrators of sexual crime don’t want to get caught. One way to help ensure a child’s silence is to either make sure it doesn’t hurt or make the abuse a game/sport [some may be played in front of you without your knowledge].

Fact: Children need to understand that something that isn’t safe may not always feel or seem bad.

They’re scared of experiencing loss

Predators of sex crimes may use physical force, threats, and/or coercion in order to violate children. That causes children to fear loss of physical safety, their stability (home, family, friends, community, etc.) even their lives. Predators may even go as far as to threaten to take the life of children’s parent/primary caregiver if the child ever discloses the sexual assault. Unfortunately, kids will endure physical suffering in order to keep the people they care for in their lives.

Fact: Children need to understand that the fear shouldn’t be greater than their need to be safe.

They don’t want to get in trouble

Children are innocent. They believe in the good of people. This may cause them to believe that they’ve done something wrong if they are violated. This belief is compounded if you’ve ever told your child “don’t be a tattle tell” or “you’ll get in trouble if you let anyone touch your private parts”. You’ve inadvertently left the door open for them to not disclose having been sexually violated.

Fact: Children need to understand that the sexual assault isn’t ever their fault. They are not capable of agreeing to do it.

They don’t want to get anyone else in trouble

Children may stay quiet about having been harmed in order to prevent the perpetrator from getting in trouble. This is especially true if they’re being harmed by a parent/caregiver, sibling, other family member, friend or someone that they care about. In instances that they don’t care about the perpetrator, they may have been groomed to accept the responsibility of keeping the perpetrator safe.

Fact: It’s important the children understand that they aren’t responsible for preventing sexual perpetrators from being held accountable, no matter who it is.

Failure to educate your children on sexual violence leaves the door open for them to be harmed and potentially go on to harm other children. So, when are you going to start educating and cultivating healthy relationships with your children? The hope is your answer is “Today. As soon as I see them today”.

Image:ShutterStock

Disclaimer: Child in image is a model and not a known victim of any violence. Image is for illustrative purposes only.