How Your Words Harm Trauma Survivors
Sexual violence is a sensitive, uncomfortable topic. Engaging with sexual assault and abuse survivors can be challenging for many reasons, not know what to say being one.
We want to close the gap between survivors and supporters to improve relationships. One way we’re doing this is through specific education that increases your comfort and allows you to be a better supporter.
Below are harmful statements to not say to a survivor and why:
Statement:"Everything happens for a reason.”
Survivor’s Interpretation: This makes the survivor feel as though [you believe that] they were supposed to be harmed.
Reality: No one deserves to be harmed. No one is supposed to be harmed. No one puts themself in a position to be harmed.
Statement:"Now you have a purpose.”
Survivor’s Interpretation: This makes the survivor feel like [you believe] their life had no value prior to the traumatic event.
Reality: Everyone’s life has value and purpose. A traumatic life event doesn’t make a life valuable or important.
Statement: “It could’ve been worse.”
Survivor’s Interpretation: This dismisses the survivor’s feelings and trivializes the injuries and losses that they’ve suffered.
Reality: Just because it could’ve been worse doesn’t mean that the harm caused shouldn’t be acknowledged or doesn’t carry weight. The assault or abuse was bad. The harm caused needs to be recognized. It deserves to be recognized.
Statement: “God doesn’t make mistakes.”
Survivor’s Interpretation: This makes the survivor feel as though they were targeted by a higher power to be harmed. When the truth is a that a bad person chose to do a bad thing.
Reality: The victimization isn’t about a mistake. It’s about a perpetrator violation a person’s bodily autonomy and bodily agency. The blame should be on the victimizer and the focus should be on the victimized person.
Statement: “You had to have seen it coming.”
Survivor’s Interpretation: This insinuates that the victimized person wanted to be harmed and, in some way, is falsifying the allegations of assault or abuse.
Reality: No one will willing stay in a situation that will cause them harm. A person with a sound mound (not in an active trauma response) and able body will leave an unsafe situation.
Statement: “Why were you there or with that person?”
Survivor’s Interpretation: This communicates that the perpetrator was justified in committing the crime because the victim gave a legitimate reason for it to happen.
Reality: It doesn’t matter where they were or who they were with. No one has the right to violate a person’s bodily agency or bodily autonomy.
Statement: “It’s time to move on and get over it.”
Survivor’s Interpretation: This invalidates the victim’s current feelings and creates a feeling of being emotionally delayed and a burden to the people around them.
Reality: Only a victimized person can determine when they should move away from the effects of the crime.
Sexual violence is never the survivor’s fault. The only person responsible for this violence is the perpetrator of the crime. Each event is different. Each survivor is different. Each healing journey is different. What is the same is our need for compassion, understanding, sensitivity, and patience.