Safety #1: Understanding Sexual Violence
As a parent, you are responsible for teaching your children how to walk, talk, positively give and receive love, manage their feelings, clean themselves, dress, properly maintain a household and be good human beings who are productive members of society. Overall, your teachings are to help ensure their ongoing independence and safety in the world.
One major subject that parents fail to teach their kids is sexual violence. This (un)intentional education gap happens for a few reasons: 1. lack of knowledge on the subject matter, 2. discomfort/embarrassment/fear, 3. perceived proximity to violence, or 4. a belief that this education will promote their child’s sexual activity. Although all of these reasons are understandable, they are excuses that leave your children susceptible to being victimized.
All of these feelings and thoughts are understandable. Overcoming the obstacles that prevent you from educating your children on sexual violence means first educating yourself on the reality of victimization. The reality is clear: you can’t 100% guarantee that your children won’t be harmed because you aren’t psychic and you don’t know everything about everyone who is in your life.
Being better prepared to navigate the unknown means understanding the following about sexual violence and those who commit sexual crimes:
it’s about power and control, not sexual gratification
93% of sex crimes are committed by someone known to the victim (e.g. parent, grand parent, sibling, babysitter, teacher/coach, other kids, neighbors, religious leaders, community members, pediatricians)
people who commit sex crimes will work hard to create positive brands and reputations for themselves, seeking public positions that give them power and authority, to deflect accusations and avoid being held accountable for any allegations or charges
perpetrators attack when they have the opportunity and believe there won’t be any negative consequences
committing sex crimes is a learned behavior via: what’s witnessed from adults, teenagers or other children around them, access to pornography, being victimized and is worsened by a perpetrator’s personality disorder, lack of social or emotional support in foundational years, negative feelings about a specific gender, etc.
children may assault other children (without being fully aware of what they’re doing); these kids are also victims, not “fast” or “promiscuous”, and they need professional help to stop them from reoffending
perpetrators don’t assault just once and they may not violate everyone around them; a perpetrator could have 3 to100+ victims before being caught
children may not tell that they’ve been assaulted because they weren’t taught to tell, they don’t want to get anyone in trouble, they’ve been groomed or manipulated to stay silent, or the assault physically felt good to them
You won’t always be able to tell if your child has been harmed, the crime doesn’t always include penetration and may not leave any trace/evidence on the victim’s body
children (anyone under the legal age of consent or decreased mental capacity) can’t give consent, they are victims
all victimized persons need guidance from at least one professional therapist who has current, relevant training on sexual violence and trauma
You are a parent. You aren’t expected to know everything. You aren’t expected to do everything the right way. You are expected to do the best that you can possibly do - not the best you feel like doing. You are expected to protect your children.
You are the first line of defense in physically, mentally, emotionally and socially protecting your children. Protecting your children means educating yourself to help limit the possibility of something bad happening and having them feel safe telling you if something wrong does happen.
You are a parent. You are strong. You are competent. You can handle this.