Welcoming the New Version of Ourselves After Sexual Violence
After suffering through a sexually violent crime, we may spend a great deal of time wishing to be the person we were before we were victimized. We may remember who we were, what we enjoyed, how we trusted, and how freely we moved through the world. We may wonder whether we will ever be that person again. The truth is, we may not. And, safety may rest in the fact that being who we were before the crime doesn't have to be our goal.
Navigating life after sexual assault or sexual abuse can change us in ways we never expected. We may become more cautious, more protective of our boundaries, or more aware of our emotional and physical needs. We may discover strengths we didn't know we possessed. We may also carry fears, grief, anger, or uncertainty that weren't part of our lives before the traumatic event. None of the changes mean we are broken. It means we have endured something that fundamentally changed us.
Welcoming the new version of us begins with giving ourselves permission to acknowledge the changes we realize, and those that other people may realize, without judging the changes or ourselves. We don't have to force ourselves to become exactly who we were before. We can instead begin discovering who we are becoming right now and begin working on the person we want to become in the future. And, that discovery can be both uncomfortably ugly and beautiful.
We may learn to say “No” without guilt; become more intentional about who we allow into our lives; recognize behaviors and relationships that no longer serve us; find new interests, develop different priorities, or discover a deeper appreciation for moments that once seemed ordinary or unimportant; and, be days when we don't feel strong at all. Welcoming ourselves doesn't mean celebrating every part of the aftermath. We can grieve the lost parts of ourselves while still making room for what is being rebuilt. Both experiences can exist at the same time.
Most importantly, we don't have to define the new versions of ourselves by what someone else did to us. We are living beyond sexual violence, and enduring is only one part of our respective stories. We are also friends, parents, partners, artists, professionals, students, advocates, creators, dreamers, and so much more. We have interests that existed before the trauma and interests we may discover afterward. We have hopes that may have changed and dreams that may still be waiting for us. Healing gives us an opportunity to meet ourselves again, in a different way.
As we move forward, we can practice speaking to ourselves with the same compassion we would offer another person who has been victimized via a sex crime. We can recognize our progress without demanding perfection. Or, we can celebrate small wins by setting a boundary, leaving a harmful situation, asking for support, laughing again, trying something new, or simply getting through a difficult day. What’s really important is that we don't have to erase our pasts to embrace our futures.
We can carry what was done to us without allowing it to determine everything that happens next in our lives. The new versions of us deserve to be welcomed with patience, compassion, and hope. We are allowed to grow beyond being victimized and to discover joy again. And, perhaps, one of the most powerful parts of healing and recovering is realizing that this new versions of ourselves don’t need to be feared or fixed.
Living Beyond™ Together
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