Connecting Without Reliving: We Don’t Have to Live in the Details
After sexual violence, many of us find ourselves returning to the details of what was done to us. Sometimes, we may feel that sharing every detail will somehow help us and others make sense of the traumatic experience. But being stuck in the details decreases the focus on our humanity, reducing the efficacy of healing, recovery and prevention efforts and increasing risk for us all.
Wanting to provide answers is human. Wanting our story to make sense to others is understandable. But healing and recovering don’t require us to continually revisit details of the crime or share them. In fact, repeatedly focusing on and socializing the details can sometimes keep our minds and bodies connected to the traumatic experience long after the immediate danger has passed. When we repeatedly detail what was done to us, we may experience the fear, helplessness, anger, or shame associated with the event as though it’s happening again. This can make it harder to focus on the present and recognize that we are now moving forward.
This doesn’t mean that we should suppress the fact that we’ve been victimized or pretend that the sexual assault or abuse never happened. Our experiences are real, and we deserve to have them acknowledged. There may also be circumstances (such as reporting the crime, participating in legal proceedings, or working with a mental health professional) where discussing details is necessary and appropriate. The difference is that we don't have to make revisiting those details necessary when communicating the victimization to those people who are in are everyday lives.
Receiving support and being able to both heal and recover can begin when we move from repeatedly asking, “How can I get them to believe and support me?” And toward asking, “Is this person a true supporter and ally of me and others who have been sexually victimized?” Instead of focusing on the details, we focus on safety and healthy relationships [with them]:
Does this person demonstrate respect for consent, bodily autonomy, bodily agency and boundaries?
Does this person inclusive of others?
Does this person maintain my privacy and confidences?
Does this person positively contribute to the healthy life I’m building for myself?
These questions don't erase what was done to us. In fact, they help return our attention to where it belongs…our lives in the present and the future we are creating.
By shifting our primary focus toward safety, we can also learn to recognize when we are regressing, becoming caught in the traumatic details again. Perhaps we notice that we're replaying the event repeatedly, searching for something we feel like we could have changed, or dumping our trauma onto others. In those moments, grounding techniques, breathing exercises, movement, journaling, connecting with someone we trust, or shifting our attention to a safe activity may help bring us out of “the weeds”.
Our stories matter. The details matter when we need them to matter. But our lives are about more than the worst thing someone did to us. It’s important to remember that we can:
acknowledge what was without living inside of it
remember without continually reliving
gradually redirect our energy toward the opportunity to decide what comes next in our lives
Healing and recovering don't require us to forget the past. It invites us to stop allowing the details of the past to occupy every moment of our present and to begin making room for the life we still deserve to live.
NOTE: We should also remember something survivors are too often forced to forget that the responsibility for sexual violence belongs solely to the person who committed it. We don't have to share every decision we made before, during, or after the assault to prove that we deserve safety and support. We deserve safety and support because we are human.
Living Beyond™ Together
Every story shared, every perspective offered, and every conversation started helps change how we understand sexual violence and improve our survivorship journeys.
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— The GOTU Community
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