Healing Begins in the Quiet

After sexual violence, people often ask us, "Who did you tell?” It's an important question. But, there's another one we rarely get asked [or ask ourselves]: "Have you had the space to sit with what was done to you?” This is because our world rewards distraction. We scroll, excessively work, stay distracted all to convince ourselves that if we keep moving, maybe the pain won't catch us. And, for many us, that strategy works - until it doesn't.

Then, there comes a moment in time when the noise fades, the calendar clears, or the house grows quiet. Suddenly, the thoughts and feelings we've been trying our best to outrun begin to surface…swallowing what’s left of us and our humanity. That moment can feel absolutely terrifying and lonely. Although it seems like we may not survive, embracing it can become the beginning of our respective healing and recovery journeys.

Sitting in solitude doesn't mean isolating ourselves from the people who care about us. It doesn't mean reliving the assault in our minds. It means that we allow ourselves to have moments of honest reflection of how we’re feeling and what we’re thinking, instead of escaping the reality of having been sexually victimized.

For many of us, sexual violence doesn't just leave physical or emotional wounds. It interrupts our relationship with ourselves. We begin questioning our memories, judgment, self worth, and our respective identities. The only way for us to have an improved relationship with ourselves is to rebuild, starting with honest reflection.

The hardest conversations aren't always the ones we have with therapists, friends, or family. They're the ones we have with ourselves. And, solitude creates room for those conversations. It's where many of us, people victimized via sexual violence, begin to name what was done to us without minimizing it. It's where anger, grief, fear, despair, anxiety, and hopelessness finally have permission to exist. It's where we can begin replacing self-blame with self-compassion.

This process isn't neat. Some days we'll feel strong. While other days we'll want to distract ourselves again. The good news is the fluctuation in feelings is expected for trauma survivors. This is because healing isn't measured by how quickly we "move on." It's measured by our willingness to meet ourselves with honesty, even when the truth is painful and overwhelming.

For people who have never experienced sexual violence, understand this: If a victimized person seems withdrawn or asks for space, it doesn't always mean we're pushing you away. Sometimes we're trying to make sense of a lived experience that changed the way we see ourselves and the world. Support doesn't always mean having the perfect words. Sometimes, it means respecting silence while simultaneously staying present without trying to fix what can't be fixed by you.

As people victimized via sexual violence, it’s important to know that solitude isn't about punishing ourselves with loneliness. It's about giving ourselves something trauma often steals: The opportunity to hear your own voice again.

If being alone feels overwhelming, that's okay too. Solitude isn't the only path to healing, and you don't have to force it. Many people find that the safest way to process difficult emotions is with the support of a trusted friend, support group, or trauma-informed mental health professional. The goal isn't to suffer in silence—it's to create enough safety, whether alone or with others, to face what happened at a pace you can manage.

We survived the crime.

Now comes the courageous work of reconnecting with ourselves. We need to do this work because we deserve a future where our life is shaped by more than what was done to us.