The Wrong Questions Society Keeps Asking

When it comes to sexual assault, as victimized persons, we often find ourselves facing a second trauma when we disclose our lived experience. And, it’s not the violence itself. It’s the questions from (mostly) well-meaning people that follow.

They’ll typically ask:

• • What were you wearing?

  • Why were you there?

  • Why didn't you leave?

  • Why didn't you fight back?

  • Why did you trust them?

  • Why didn't you report it sooner?

  • Notice something about these questions?

Every one of these questions focuses on what we, the survivors, failed to do. While almost none focus on the crime - what the perpetrator chose to do us.

This behavior is something we’ve repeatedly experienced. Society often places the burden of prevention on those who’ve been harmed rather than on those who caused the harm.

The bigger question in all of this is, “Why?”

The Illusion of Control

One reason is that blaming those of us who’ve been victimized via sexual violence gives other people a false sense of safety. If someone can convince themselves that a victimized person made a mistake, then they can believe they would be protected by making different choices if ever confronted with potential sexual assault or abuse.

It’s psychologically comforting to think:

• • "I would never let that happen to me."

  • "I would have seen the warning signs."

  • "I would have left at the first sign of trouble."

The alternative is much more uncomfortable. The alternative is accepting the fact that sexual violence can happen to anyone at any time. This includes people who make good decisions, trust the wrong person, or simply find themselves in the wrong situation.

Victim-blaming allows people to maintain the illusion that the world is more safe and controllable than it really is. And, it’s this fallacy that allows sexual violence to persist.

The Questions We Rarely Ask

Imagine if society responded differently. What if the focus was immediately shifted from the victimized person's behavior to the perpetrator's choices? Here are some examples:

Instead of asking:

"Why did you trust them?"

People said:

“It’s awful that they betrayed your trust.”

Instead of asking:

"Why didn't you fight back?"

People said:

“They never should’ve touched you without your giving them full consent.”

Instead of asking:

“What were you doing before this happened?”

People said:

“They never should've exploited your vulnerabilities.”

This shift in focus aligns with the truth of sexual violence. It’s not caused by trusting the wrong person, being kind, wearing revealing clothing, drinking alcohol, dating, being a friend, or being in the “wrong place”.

The truth is sexual violence is caused by a person wanting control, domination and power over someone - disregarding their bodily autonomy and bodily agency.

The Cost of Victim-Blaming

When society focuses on what victimized persons "should’ve done," many of us who’ve survived a sexual crime may internalize those messages. We may begin replaying every decision, conversation or moment leading up to the assault.

We may search endlessly for the point where we could’ve prevented what was done to us. This self-blame can fuel anxiety, depression, shame, and post-traumatic stress for years. Many of us become trapped in a cycle of believing that if we’d been smarter, stronger, louder, or more careful, the assault never would’ve occurred.

This is why both healing and recovery are so necessary for each of us. Because, when we can get on a healthy survivorship journey, healing often begins when we recognize this truth:

The responsibility for sexual violence belongs to the person who committed it.

Changing the Conversation

If society, as a whole, truly wants to prevent sexual violence, we all must stop centering conversations around each victimized person’s behavior and start centering accountability for each perpetrator.

We must teach consent, respect, empathy, bodily agency, bodily autonomy, and personal responsibility to everyone. This will challenge narratives that scrutinize us more intensely than perpetrators.

We must also remember that every time a victimized person is told what we should’ve done differently, there’s a risk of reinforcing the very shame we’re working to overcome.

Responsibility doesn’t lay with the victimized persons. It lays with each person who commits the crime and the environments that fail to hold them accountable.

This shift requires everyone to change their language. The better question isn’t: "Why didn't you prevent it?” The better statement is: “How did society fail enough to allow this crime to continue to take place?"