We Don't Have to Mourn Monsters
Grief is a complex emotion. But so is relief, numbness and feeling nothing at all.
If someone who harmed us, especially someone who abused their power, manipulated our trust, or violated our bodies, has died, we may find ourselves standing in the wake of conflicting emotions. No tears. No weight. Just silence. And, to be frank, that’s okay. We’re not heartless for not mourning them.
“We’re not broken. We’re human. And we’re healing on your own terms.”
The world has taught us to speak well of the dead. We’re supposed to “let bygones be bygones” in the names of decency and keeping the peace. We’re socialized to find some silver lining in someone's passing, no matter how they lived on this earth.
But, for us survivors, if the person who died made our lives a living nightmare, we have the right to have our authentic feelings. The sound of the deceased’s name could still trigger anxiety, shame, or rage. For many of us, our wellness is hinged upon whether or not they’re gone to the other side [or prison]. For those of us who have been stolen from ourselves, mourning is not mandatory and sadness is not required.
The news of a predator’s passing may allow us to finally feel freedom or realize closure to a very dark chapter of our lives. And, in some cases, we may feel guilty about not feeling guilt over another person’s loss. But, it’s important to understand not mourning their death doesn’t mean we’re cold or heartless. It means that we’re prioritizing ourselves and focusing on what they took from us and how that theft has altered our lives - that’s still grief. It’s just not the kind people write sympathy cards for.
We don’t talk enough about how confusing it can be to outlive our abusers/attackers. There's no rulebook for how to feel when the person who hurt us is no longer walking the earth. There’s no perfect quote that wraps up the loss of justice, or time, or peace of mind that they stole.
If no one has said this: We are allowed to feel relieved, feel nothing and feel both sorrow and joy at once. Grief doesn’t follow moral rules. It’s not a test of our individual character. It simply exists in raw, real, and sometimes inconvenient ways. The absence of sadness for someone’s death does not make us less human or kind. It makes us honest.
We don’t have to light a candle, say a prayer or even forgive them. We don’t have to explain our emotions to anyone who hasn’t lived our respective experiences. If they never mourned the pain they caused us [or even if they did], we don’t owe them a single tear.
We’re not broken. We’re human. And we’re getting well on your own terms.
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