Safety #3: Proactive Education of Kids
“I didn’t raise him to be this way” is one of the most common phrases communicated by the parents/primary caregivers of sex crime perpetrators. Partnered with shock and disbelief, the fear of being associated with the crime initiates the need to create distance. Distance in the way of trying to prevent the family name from being stained. This is what causes victim blaming and statements such as “Look at how she dresses” or “My son could have anyone he wants and he doesn’t want her”.
Sexual violence is a horrible act - we know it. The truth is that crimes such as rape, molestation, exposure to sexual material, and unwanted sexual imagery are all about power and control, not satisfaction or attraction. Perpetrators commit these crimes because of opportunity and the desire to harm someone. That’s it. So, statements about the accuser lack any real value when accusations arise.
Our failure to openly talk about sexual crimes and desire to try stay as far away from the subject as possible are, in part, what allows perpetrators to exist. The unwillingness to engage the subject matter leave the door open for kids to be abused by and accused of sex crimes. If you’re still hesitant on wanting to engage your children and increase their awareness, consider the following:
all sexual predators are someone’s child or family member - they have families
all sexual predators are someone’s neighbor - they live openly in communities
all sexual predators are someone’s friend - they have access to adults and children
all sexual predators are someone’s co-worker or classmate - they have a means to positively engage others
This all means that you can’t readily identify a sexual predator and you may not know about them until it’s too late. They can be someone you know and engage with on a regular basis. You may even really like them. But, none of that matters. Perpetrators don’t harm everyone they come in contact with.
Now, think about your own kids. They may have been harmed and you don’t know it. In being harmed, they are potentially also learning how to harm others. In their being groomed and violated, they are learning the skills needed to possibly do this to their siblings, cousins, classmates, neighbors’ kids and teammates. This is why proactive education is so important. Here are some high level stops:
tell your kids that you love them and they’re important to you
inform them that there are dangerous people in the world who can’t be readily identified or immediately trusted
explain molestation (with or without clothes), rape (done to them or them being forced to do it to someone else), explicit images (someone taking them or forcing your child to take them), pornography (displaying sexual imagery to your child, even through text)
tell them that you will believe them if they disclose and act in a way to keep them safe; your expectation is for them to disclose
teach them about bodily autonomy - they have it and they are supposed ensure others have it from them
teach them about bodily agency - they have it and they are supposed ensure others have it from them
teach them that negative feelings are a part of life, but they aren’t allowed to act out, intimidate others, or harm others because of them
teach them that they aren’t supposed to hurt, coerce, or intimidate others
teach them that “No” means no and it’s not up for discussion
teach what consent is and that it’s required for all interactions with people and people’s belongings
When educating your kids, it’s important to teach them what to do and what not to do. Successful education includes using correct terms and their definitions. It also involves letting your kids know where you stand on this topic. Here are some examples of reinforcing positive words and behaviors:
“Tim, it’s not okay for you to harm your girlfriend if she makes you mad. We will be very disappointed if you do that with words or with actions. You will not have our support in harming her or covering up any allegations of harm.”
“Rebecca, the Meyers are trusting you to watch their kids while they are at dinner. You need to be mindful of what you say and do around the kids and respect their home. Don’t invite friends over and it’s our expectation that you behave safely with the kids. We will listen to any allegations of wrongdoing and take them seriously.”
“Taylor, you’re going to your friend’s house for a sleepover. We want you to have a good time. We also want to ensure your safety. We aren’t okay with a co-ed sleepover. And, if at anytime you feel uncomfortable, call us and we’ll come get you. Don’t ignore your feelings. Make sure to watch any foods or drinks be prepared before you eat or drink it.” Call us immediately, if the parents, your friend(s), or their siblings do something that is unsafe or you start to feel unwell.
Even if your kids don’t tell you about the assault or abuse, knowing what is appropriate and safe behavior vs. what isn’t may trigger them to disclose. And, if they aren’t being abused, it may trigger them to be able to quickly identify safe and unsafe people, get away, and disclose. Proactive education may also help prevent them from harming others in the future. It’s a good way of not having to say, "I didn’t raise him to be this way”.
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