Finding Direction After Violence
Taking back control of our lives means doing more than existing day to day. It requires us to have goals that we’re working towards in order to better ourselves and respective situations. Identifying and achieving these goals is where we can literally see the incremental changes over time and successfully track our progress.
Having goals to achieve is important because it can help us focus on two things that we lose sight of after being attacked: the value we hold and the positive aspects of our lives. Somehow, the violence makes us feel a host of negative feelings about ourselves - primary ones being that we’re stupid, dirty and void of both value and power. All of these negative feelings are far from the truth.
Identifying goals to work toward [achieving] can help us better live in this truth on a consistent basis. So, while we’re living in the current reality, we can start to both imagine and build a healthy future for ourselves. And, over time, we decrease the negative and increase the positive - the trauma no longer controls us.
Ideating and creating goals is different for each of us for various reasons. So, getting started isn’t as simple as providing a list of things to do or places to start. Beginning to take back control begins with answering baseline questions that identify each of our needs and wants to better help us in our current stages of managing and the trauma. Here are some questions, to think about and answer, that may help you get started:
What things do I like about myself? [Repeat these things to yourself everyday.]
What things am I good at doing? How can I do these things more often?
How can I stay away from the person(s) who violated me? Who can help?
What does justice look like to me? Who can help me realize justice?
How can I accept not (fully) realizing justice?
What is needed for me to be able to safely move forward in life?
Who can help me safely move forward? When will I ask them for help?
What steps can I take to help me independently ensure my livelihood?
What can I reclaim as mine (e.g. songs, scents, foods, etc.)?
What short-term goals do I want to achieve? How can I achieve each?
What long-term goals do I want to achieve? How can I achieve each?
These questions are a potential starting point. Each one can be added, removed, or modified to better support various situations. The point of utilizing them is for each of us to begin owning the direction of our respective lives. The goal isn’t perfection - it’s ownership. Each reflection, each small step, helps us take back the direction of our own lives.
We are not the trauma we’ve endured / we’re enduring. We’re the authors of what comes next.
image: iStock