Survivors Need a Safe Person to Tell
One of the heaviest burdens survivors of sexual violence carry is not only what was done to us, but what we each independently carry afterward. For centuries, it’s been believed that silence was protecting us. That’s why so many of us have beens socialized to not talk about the crime and just move on. It’s as if our burying the memories deep enough would cause them to lose their power - it doesn’t. Instead, our silence became our prison.
The truth is that trauma thrives in isolation. When sexual violence is kept secret, victimized persons often carry the weight of shame, fear, self-blame, and confusion entirely by ourselves. The mind begins to replay questions that have no easy answers. We repeatedly loop through such questions:
“Was it really that bad?”
“Was it my fault?”
“Will anyone believe me?”
“What will people think of me?”
The longer these questions remain trapped inside our heads, the louder they often become.
Many who have survived sexual assault or abuse experience anxiety, depression, hypervigilance, sleep disturbances, emotional numbness, or difficulty trusting others. While disclosure is not a cure-all, speaking the truth out loud can be one of the most powerful acts of healing that may help lead to recovery.
Disclosure breaks isolation. It interrupts the belief that we must carry everything alone. Disclosure creates the possibility of us being seen, heard, and supported - living openly as survivors. But, before disclosing, there is an important distinction that each of us deserves to understand: Not everyone is a safe person.
One of the most painful realities of the sexual assault survivorship journey is recognizing that some people may respond to our respective lived experiences with disbelief, minimization, judgment, or harmful questions. Their reactions are reflections of their own limitations, not the validity of what was done to us. This is why disclosure is not about telling everyone.
Disclosure is about relieving ourselves from the trauma, building a support community, and getting on the proper track of wellness; we must confide in safe people who:
listen without rushing to fix us
believe us
respect our boundaries
allow us to tell our story at your own pace
do not demand details to validate our pain
don’t center themselves when we share our pain
remind us that what was done to us matters
For many of us, the first positive disclosure becomes a turning point. Not because the effects of the trauma disappear, but because the burden is no longer carried in complete solitude. Each of our nervous systems begins to learn something new, allowing us to realize:
"I am not alone."
"I can be supported."
"My truth can exist in the open."
These realizations can be profoundly healing. As people, we are often taught to only focus on strength. We celebrate resilience. We admire perseverance. But healing and recovering isn’t only about being strong enough to endure. Sometimes healing and recovering is made possible by being brave enough to speak.
For anyone who is carrying a sexual assault survivorship story that has never told, know this: you do not owe your story to everyone. You do not need to disclose before you are ready. And, you do not need to prove your pain to anyone.
But when the time comes, finding a safe person - a trusted friend, therapist, advocate, family member, or support group - can be one of the most important decisions on the path toward recovery. Because healing often begins the moment shame loses its secrecy. And secrecy begins to lose its power the moment the truth is spoken aloud.