The Power of Not Being Believed
Being a primary or secondary survivor of sexual violence is life altering. The assault is one segment of violation, disclosing the assault is another. And, sometimes, disclosing assault can be just as traumatizing as the actual assault - especially if we’re not believed.
Disclosing sexual violation is the primary way to receive much needed support and wellness resources. So, the acceptance and validation of our experiences is critical. The acceptance allows for us to get help with those things that we aren’t able to do for ourselves. And, to be honest, it also helps us accept the reality of what we already know what was done to us but the effects of the trauma still cause us to question or deny it.
So, mustering the courage to tell someone we trust and have them either not believe or blame us can be devastating. It’s the type of devastation that can slow down or even halt a person’s healing on their survivorship journey.
This negative impact to our wellness happens because we’re raised to be in community. Whether dysfunctional or not, our socialization has us programmed to, in some way, rely on others. Our physical identity, belief and value systems, self worth and self-esteem all come from the people around us. Being raped, molested, stealthed, exposed to unwanted sexual events or materials, or having intimate images taken of us is a lot to deal with on our own - we know this. So, we seek initial care from others by disclosing.
Being believed and supported can literally save our lives. But, not being believed can feel like it’s life ending. The rejection may cause feelings of despair, self hatred, depression and even may cause us to feel like we brought the offense onto ourselves. Survivorship, after being rejected feels impossible and lonely. It may become so lonely that the desire to not be isolated from our community causes some of us to neglect our own wellbeing.
This self neglect looks like:
Choosing to not disclose to others
Not seeking mental health services for the trauma
Improper Self Care
Perpetuating the social cycle of abuse
On the surface, self neglect seems like the right choice to take as a means of survival. But, beneath the surface, it leaves the door open for the trauma of sexual violence to worsen and allows for future traumas to impact our lives.
Not being believed leaves us with a serious choice to make - be included from our community and decease wellness or be somewhat removed from community and work toward wellness. And, it’s a huge, life altering decision to make. Us posing this as the decision we need to make means that our socialization of centering others above ourselves has “won”. We have successfully deprioritized ourselves in our own lives. In order to prioritize ourselves, we have to consistently ask ourselves the question of “Do we want to get better by doing the needed work, or remain somewhat the same?”
Asking ourselves this question centers us in our own lives and allows us to make a real assessment of where we are emotionally. Results from the assessment informs what we can do next to positively prioritize our own wellness.
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